Reflections

The Song

Wed, 12 Apr 2006 20:20:03 GMT

So as I enter the single world once again, I leave my 4 year relationship with the perfect song to describe everything.

If you have it, play it --I think it's more meaningful with the melody.

311- "Love Song"

Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am home again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am whole again

Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am young again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am fun again

However far away, I will always love you
However long I stay, I will always love you
Whatever words I say, I will always love you
I will always love you

Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am free again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am clean again

However far away, I will always love you
However long I stay, I will always love you
Whatever words I say, I will always love you
I will always love you

Thoughts...

Wed, 12 Apr 2006 03:49:46 GMT

I don't know how I came to this conclusion- but I have been around liberal thinkers for such a long time that when I talk to someone who thinks the opposite it completely throws me off base. I don't understand how people can feel that they need to inflict their beliefs on other people. Every person is so different...how could you possibly know for sure what is best for someone else? I will respect your beliefs up to the point that you start trying to make me believe the same thing. I will listen if you want to vent or participate in a debate, but KNOWING that you're right doesn't allow for debate. No one KNOWS that they're right about things - especially when it has to do with religion. You make your best educated guess and you go with it for yourself, and try to live in harmony with people who have looked at the same issue and made a different choice.

Secondly, I wish I could be one of those girls that you go to with all of your problems. I want to be that shoulder to cry on, but I don't know how to be. Crying makes me weird and messed up for some reason. I think that it is because everyone would always starts crying to me when they find out my mom died (or when she was dying, etc). I think about it in a messed up way- I think it is necessary for me to cry when I'm upset but I have trouble doing it .... a lot of the time I don't see the point of it, don't think that it will accomplish anything new. I envy those that can cry at the drop of a hat and be completely open with their emotions. I just hate seeing people hurt and be in pain. It's a horrible reality of life.

So other than all that shit, today was an okay day. I tabled for the Psi Chi bake sale, went to the Psi Chi officers meeting, and then to the PSP dinner. The dinner went pretty well I think. It's weird for me to be with new people like that since I have spend so much time with Alex--it has made me awkward in a way that I never was before. I wish that I could completely let go of the nervousness that I feel and just be myself right away. I hate that there is the "getting to know you" time before I can totally relax. I'm not sure whether AIM has helped the process or hindered it. It takes the pressure off, but it can be bad if you rely on it too much. There are so many things that I would never have said anywhere but over AIM...so many fights that would never have happened...so much information that would never have been divulged. How would my life have been different if I didn't have it? Maybe Alex would've never been able to ask me life and my whole reality would be changed. Then again, one tiny little detail can change everything. Damn the sequence of things.

So this weekend I get to go home to NJ. YAY! What sucks is that I have to drive home and hit rush hour NYC traffic. Friday is also my four year anniversary, and we are going out to dinner. Four years is such a long time--I almost can't remember a time in my life when Alex wasn't there. He has been my boy friend for all of my adult life so far. I love him so much and have enjoyed all of the time that we have spent together, but I can't help think that it has somehow hindererd my ability to be happy and single and/or see myself without him. I don't see guys as really being attracted to me anymore. I have lost a lot of my self esteem because the only person who I have ever given my heart to has decided that we don't have a future. It really does suck. It's still so hard to see a time where I will be permanently without Alex as my boyfriend. It's the only thing that it keeping me from falling apart right now. I am going to need such major therapy after this is over. The way that Alex talks about our future - "I will get a job and I want to concentrate on it. No, I can't see us being together then." ----It's like we have spent the last four years on different planets. It still fascinates me how we can be so close and yet SO far away. Yes, I still hope he will reconsider a future. No, I don't think it will happen. Yes, there is a place deep inside me that wonders what it would be like to be single again and thinks it might not be the most horrible thing.

ALSO, this weekend I get to go to my cousin's in York PA for Easter. I am actually excited. Since I got closer to my cousins I have started to really miss spending time with them. I wish that they lived closer and we saw each other more often. Life is so short and yet we don't ever make enough for the important people. Then when it's too late we regret it....but in reality, we wouldn't have changed anything if we had a second chance. I really hope we get reincarnated knowing what we know when we die--I would try to live so much more efficiently.

Note: I LOVE THE WARM WEATHER. CANT WAIT FOR SUMMER IN JERSEY CRUISING IN MY BENZ WITH MY WINDOWS OPEN.

I am sick of trying to please everyone. I cannot do it anymore. Please someone just be happy with the person that I am.

20th Birthday

Fri, 31 Mar 2006 03:58:16 GMT

I figured that it would be appropriate to update the journal today since I have turned two decades old. It is now only one year until I will not have to worry about being able to drink legally for the rest of my life. That is crazy. When I first started dating Alex, I remember thinking, "wow, five years till I can drink...that seems like a lifetime."

Well, a lifetime of things have happened since my ultimate dream sweet sixteen party. Back then I really was "Sweet Sixteen." I always used to think to myself that my life was too normal and too perfect, I had no life experience and no horror story to tell. The worst thing that happened to me was that I fainted and felt dizzy a lot (which had recently begun @ that point). If I were to go back in time to scream at myself for being depressed at that time for no good reason. How could I possibly have felt bad about myself? I had a mother who loved me more than I could ever imagine and a million guys who I could be with at the drop of a hat. I went to probably over 100 stores to find the ultimate sweet sixteen dress. I don't know anyone in my life right now who would be willing to do that with me now.

I guess that I could say that a special event like a birthday brings up all sorts of feelings, but not a day goes by that I don't miss my mother like crazy. I used to think that people were just as lucky to have me as a friend as I was to have them. Now I feel like someone who is willing to put up with me deserves a medal. I feel like nothing that I think is right, nothing I feel passionate about has any merit---I just feel so judged. Like everyone has come back with a verdict of "rejected." I am just sick of feeling ashamed of the things that I like and having to defend them all of time. I hate that people think that their friends have to uphold all of their values and likes/dislikes in order to be there for each other, and if they don't---they have to remind them constantly how what they think is so wrong.

Basically, I am sick of feeling like I have to explain things that I happen to like.

1. My favorite color is red. It has been since I was a little girl. I love to wear it whenever possible and it makes me feel great.
2. I like to listen to rap and r&b music. I think that the artists are talented musicians and compose clever lyrics. I know that their messages may be X-rated often. That is how they choose to express themselves, and I enjoy it.
3. I tend to like popular music, yes the dreaded stuff on the radio. I think that Kelly Clarkson has talent and I really like her songs.
4. I don't think that it's necessary to get involved in every single political issue because I don't feel like it's that important. I don't think that Bush is evil, he is just one man and the direction our country is going in cannot be blamed on just one man.
5. In my down time, tv takes me away from reality. I like to get wrapped up in fictional character's lives so that I stop analyzing my own life for a while.
6. I think that "Crash" is my all time most favorite movie. The way that I felt after leaving the theatre the first time that I saw it---I was physically effected by it. I see a lot of movies, and most don't do that to me. I don't like it when people belittle the movie to the point that it doesn't mean anything anymore. That's just wrong.

SO THERE! (that's all for now, more when I think of them)
wow I just got really off topic--not that I had a specific one in mind.

SPRING BREAK!!!!! For those who don't know, I went to Daytona Beach, FL with Alex to his parent's house. It was a much needed break, but ended up being pretty sucky. I got an EXTREME sunburn on the first day due to the convertible that we rented. I now have a permanent red line across my forehead from the bandana that I wore. Thank GOD I can say that this happened to me when I was still a teenager. I am SUCH an idiot. I always put sun screen on 8X a day. AHHHHHH! So then the rest of the week was like cold weather. There was no swimming and a lot of eating. DAMN THE EATING! It makes me feel so out of control like when given the chance I revert right back to my infinite eating patterns. Grrr! I WILL BEAT THIS! The diet starts again tomorrow when I get to try to work off the Carvel Ice Cream Cake that my roommate got for me for my birthday. BTW: I did have fun with Alex. We haven't had that many consecutive days together in a long time. When I got back to college, I felt an old pang of missing him that I haven't had in a while. It surprised me. I don't know why I love him so much, but I do. I just can't help it. I want more than anything to have him in my life forever. Yes, I am dellusional(sp?). Ha ha, funny that I'm not sure how to spell that. ;)

So just to summarize, the things on my mind right now:
1.Turning 20, what have I done with my life - goals for the future?
2.Missing my Mom, and the continued realization that I have to live the entire rest of my life without her.
3.Still wanting to be with Alex, him still not being sure about me - why does he torture me so?
4.HATING myself for eating and getting really sun burned.
5.Being scared about the amount of stuff I have to get done before this semester ends--
I can't WAIT till it's over and I get to be home in NJ again for infinite summer classes. :)

**Thank you to all of you that wished me a happy birthday! I sincerely appreciate the thought.**

Emotions

Wed, 08 Mar 2006 03:52:15 GMT

If anyone else has ever had a livejournal, they know that you get to choose a current emotion at the end of each entry. I dread this task. Right now I think I'm "eh"....that's not an option. So what the fuck do a pick? Who knows!

I have nothing to say by the way. Just stressed over projects in classes, thinking about how I'll never get into grad school and will die this summer taking classes and studying/taking the GREs, and how graduating in 3 years will only give me the 4th year to sit on my ass thinking about what I've done wrong in life.

Babson Weekend

Sun, 05 Mar 2006 21:27:41 GMT

Today I have decided to update from Babson, where I am spending the weekend. My original thought was that if I saw Alex before spring break that it would throw off my diet and my routine. It has done just the opposite. We have both been really motivated, going to the gym once a day and having a really good time. I won't really have time to miss him since I have only 2 weeks before break and then I get him for a whole week in Daytona Beach, FL.

After a couple days of assessment, I think I really like my new short hair. It was the perfect cut, courtesy of the JCPenney Salon in the Hampshire Mall (oh yeah). It is JUST long enough to put in a pony tail and very manageable. I am happy with it, and can't wait to sport it around in the nice weather of Florida.

What else is new? I tried to start this Child Development and Social Policy project and it is proving to be a more daunting task than I first thought. I am going to have to go out and find a lot of supplementary materials in the library, etc. My online searches have not really yielded a substantial amount of information, and I have to make a powerpoint and present for 40 minutes (ew). At least I get to do it with a partner, who I think is competent--we will see. I have to meet with her next weekend even though we are not presenting until after break. I am pissed because I have a paper due on the Monday I get back from break that I totally won't have time to do over vacation. This means that I have to make time to do it early, which is going to suck--especially because I have a lot of things to put together before then.

So I'm down to the 2 week home stretch of diet before the break. My game plan is to get food from the grocery store and try to stick to a relatively strict diet. I have to stay motivated!!!! Maybe I will hang up a bathing suit somewhere in my dorm to remind myself of what I will be wearing. It's even worse because it's such a big spring break place and there will be a million skinny bitches walking around. Ahhhhh....I hate girls...most girls....ok, skinny girls. More specifically the skinny girls who can eat whatever they want to and never get fat.

Okay, enough bantering. Going to dinner soon and then driving back to UMass. I think the Academy Awards are on tonight and I want to watch Brokeback Mountain win for best picture--because I adore it, and it deserves to win. More Later. :)

Long Time, No See

Thu, 02 Mar 2006 03:58:10 GMT

It has been quite a long time since I've written anything in here. This is mostly because I didn't know what to write anymore. I found out that so many more people read it than I thought. When I started writing, I wanted to do it as an outlet for myself. I guess I did want some comments, but all these anonymous readers sort of freak me out. Just do me a favor and comment if you're reading....If I haven't spoken to you in a long time because of the 4 year long aberration that is my boyfriend Alex, it does not mean that I purposefully ignored you. It was because all I ate, slept and breathed Alex Melen for such a long time. (I am still dating him, I just have more of a life now)

SO, let me know you're still here. If you're from high school, we can hang out when we're both in Fair Lawn. If not, we can definitely keep in closer touch with each other. I am not the devil, I promise. (I remember when my ex boyfriend Marco used to call me the Devil in Disguise like that Elvis song-- I hate how memories creep up on you like that and bite you in the ass)

So back to winter break and the 'open relationship.' It worked okay. It turned out more like how a real adult realtionship is supposed to be--you see each other like once a week and have a great time. I think we just never got over that whole high school 'lets see each other every day and love it' thing...then when we got to college we saw each other less often so whenever we were both in Fair Lawn it was like a guilt trip for each other if we didn't hang out every day.

The goal for this semester is to get more involved and do better in college. I have totally been in this funk of not thinking I am good enough. I have traced it back to somewhere in high school--probably started when I got my whole medical condition dizziness thing and went on bedside putting myself completely out of the loop. Then what solidified it was my mom dying and me not having anyone to remind me that I had high standards for myself..academically and personally. I am out to regain lost confidence and conquer college. Also, to join more activies like Psi Chi and MAPS and possibly some others...just to meet new people and put myself out there. I got way too comfortable as a loner type - looking in at everything from the outside. This is somewhere that I thought I would never be. Alex really influenced my personality shift, and I don't think it was a positive one. (Not that all of the ways that Alex has influenced me have been bad, there have been many situations during which I have become a better person)

The love life is still a constant reminder of how little I really understand about the person I feel that I know the best in this world. Alex is a constant mystery to me. I try to break through to him emotionally, but he always shuts me out at some point-using laughter or annoyance to push me away. I know that I can be a bit inquisitive at times, but it's only because I really want to know what's on his mind and how he feels. The more time I spend in Russian class, the more I realize the completely different background mentalities that we come from...it helps me to understand more of his and his parent's decision making process. I still cannot see how he could spend four years with me, be in love with me, be happy with me, and not want to spend the rest of his life with me. Wouldn't that make you feel a bit worthless?

On that same note... Has anyone seen that show on MTV Parental Control? (No Sarah, I am not one of 'those' girls..it was on while I was at the gym) Anyways, it's this show where parents who hate their child's significant other go through a group of new contestants and pick two for their kid to date. Then their child has to decide between the two new people and their current significant other. The parent's hope is that the significant other gets ditched. I really felt like it could have been Alex's parents and me on that show. Then again, one of the girls was like actually cursing at the guy's parents, another guy had like 18 piercings and tatoos and played in a metal band....I'm no that bad am I? Why is it that I am seen as the good influence in every situation but with the parents of the man I want to marry? GOD DAMN MY LIFE!

NEWS FLASH: Yesterday, I cut my hair....short....like holy shit where did all my hair go short. Finally!!! I haven't had the guts to do this since 6th grade and it's a great weight off my shoulders (ha ha?) My hair was madd long too--BIG change. I did it partly because I want to show off a new look and hopefully lose some more weight before SPRING BREAK (March 18-25) in DAYTONA BEACH!! I am soooo excited. I am taking a plane with Alex and we are staying at his parent's house down there. We are renting a convertible and going to Epcot, etc. I LOVE THEME PARKS! I haven't been in so long and finally going there with Alex will be even better. I really hope that all the damn spring break-ers don't make me feel like a cow. Stupid Andy made me eat some of his mother's home made apple pie tonight...BASTARD! (just kidding, it was very yummy)... The next 2.5 weeks are MAJOR CRACK DOWN (no not drugs)...I am DETERMINED to lose more weight so I can feel skinny enough to have short hair. (Plus, I've let myself go for too long..it's time for Ellen the Bombshell to come back into biz-nass)...Wow, I feel like an idiot typing that. I hope it made someone out there laugh.

Well, I'm off to get some rest. Much to do tomorrow. I promise I won't wait a million years to update again. ;)

Let song express how I feel

Tue, 27 Dec 2005 21:57:35 GMT

I think I’ve already lost you
I think you’re already gone
I think I’m finally scared now
You think I’m weak - but I think you’re wrong
I think you’re already leaving
Feels like your hand is on the door
I thought this place was an empire
But now I’m relaxed - I can’t be sure

I think you’re so mean - I think we should try
I think I could need - this in my life
I think I’m just scared - I think too much
I know this is wrong it’s a problem I’m dealing

If you’re gone - maybe it’s time to go home
There’s an awful lot of breathing room
But I can hardly move
If you’re gone - baby you need to come home
Cuz there’s a little bit of something me
In everything in you

I bet you’re hard to get over
I bet the room just won’t shine
I bet my hands I can stay here
I bet you need - more than you mind

I think you’re so mean - I think we should try
I think I could need - this in my life
I think I’m just scared - that I know too much
I can’t relate and that’s a problem I’m feeling

If you’re gone - maybe it’s time to go home
There’s an awful lot of breathing room
But I can hardly move
If you’re gone - baby you need to come home
Cuz there’s a little bit of something me
In everything in you

I think you’re so mean - I think we should try
I think I could need - this in my life
I think I’m just scared - do I talk too much
I know this is wrong it’s a problem I’m dealing

If you’re gone - maybe it’s time to go home
There’s an awful lot of breathing room
But I can hardly move
If you’re gone - baby you need to come home
Cuz there’s a little bit of something me
In everything in you

Mood Song (LOL Micah)

Tue, 27 Dec 2005 21:50:35 GMT

See the stone set in your eyes
See the thorn twist in your side
I wait for you

Sleight of hand and twist of fate
On a bed of nails she makes me wait
And I wait without you

With or without you
With or without you

Through the storm we reach the shore
You give it all but I want more
And I’m waiting for you

With or without you
With or without you
I can’t live
With or without you

And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away

My hands are tied
My body bruised, she’s got me with
Nothing to win and
Nothing left to lose

And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away

With or without you
With or without you
I can’t live
With or without you

With or without you
With or without you
I can’t live
With or without you
With or without you

End of Semester Stress

Tue, 13 Dec 2005 20:16:29 GMT

Sorry for having not updated in a while, I've just been busy. Plus, I haven't really had anything interesting to say. So there is one more day of classes left tomorrow when I have a test, a presentation, and then another test. That means today I should be doing some massive work. Instead, I am procrastinating. I have a group meeting in a while, and it's SO FREAKING COLD OUTSIDE. I almost froze when I went outside this morning-back to feeling like it's 8 degrees. I really do dislike the winter.

I am just so stressed out with everything coming to an end. I would like to give up right now and just sleep forever. I hate that I'm going home for 5 days and then coming back for 2 days of finals. I don't think it's the best idea, but I don't want to stay here for another minute that I don't have to. I want to be home with my kitty and my dog and not have any work to do. I know all too well how fast winter break goes, and I plan to make the most of it.

I know I should have something else profound to say, but I really am not in a good mental space to start writing. I am still analyzing and thinking constantly about everything, but I haven't gotten my thoughts together enough with everything going on to write something down. Therefore, I will have another entry after I get home and calm down a bit.

Stay tuned.

God, Christmas is so close already. Where did the time go?

MEMO

Sun, 04 Dec 2005 23:22:27 GMT

I am a bit upset that no one responded to my query about how correct that personality survey I took was. If anyone would like to be extra nice and go back and comment, it would make my day. :)

Alex Withdrawl

Sun, 04 Dec 2005 23:19:42 GMT

The weekend was really great.

First of all, Alex was supposed to come on Saturday afternoon. After I found out Sarah was leaving for the night on Friday, I told Alex that I missed him and didn't want to be alone for the night--I thought, might as well try to get him to come early. I was completely not expecting it to work. He called me at like 10pm and told me he was on his way. I was floored. It was amazing though. We got to sleep together two nights which is my absolute favorite thing to do even if it IS on a blow up mattress on the floor.

Saturday we went to the mall for this really good tasting Mrs. Field's cookie sandwich with like a million calories. It was heaven. We had a nice time walking around there, and then at night we went to WINGS with Sarah and her bf Hosanna for the best tasting wings in the world. They also have $5 pitures (wow I can't spell) of beer, which they refused to give to Alex for just him--poor baby!

So if Friday night was HOT, Saturday night was like SO FREAKING HOT. We went back to the dorm, and found this awesome way to make shots with this margarita mixer and my favorite green apple smirnoff vodka. Thankfully this time I did not get alcohol poisoning from it. No details about the HOT-ness will be given, but lets just say it was AMAZING and leave the rest to the imagination.

Sunday was the day we discussed our relationship. It went pretty well. We both agreed that we needed to change something considering that we need to date other people, Alex will have a job probably far away in like 6 months, etc etc. Neither of us could bring ourselves to downgrading the relationship to a good friendship like we had discussed ealier.

THE RESULT: We are now in an open relationship--and yes, I've changed it on facebook. (Yes, that makes it more official and we did it together so no one would get the "your relationship has been downgraded" e-mail when we were apart) We are both going to try to go on some dates with other people, see each other a bit less, and do some hooking up with other people. No sex though - oral, anal, vaginal. And we're not telling each other about any of the dating and hooking up. I think it will be a change but in the direction that we both know is necessary. I am trying not to be too dramatic about it, even though my heart is sick. Then again, I've still known about the no-future thing for a while. He is just so wonderful that it's really really hard. Love is so blind. I can think so logically when we're apart, but after we're together--there's just no letting go. We love each other like crazy and I think that no matter when we decide to not be in a relationship at all, we will love each other for our whole lives.

I've been thinking a lot about regret lately. For example, if I knew that we wouldn't have a future, would I still have began dating Alex. At first I was thinking no, but the more I go over it in my mind, I think that I still would. I have made, if nothing else, the best and most loyal friend that anyone could ever have. That is something that is completely worthwhile.

Okay, taking a breath...... The last week and a half of classes is coming up. I have lots of tests and projects due this week, so I'll be quite busy. Lets hope that snow on Monday night cancels my Tuesday morning test, but it's not likely. So sad. I think I'm positive that I will be coming home for the 5 days I have before finals, and just coming back up to UMass for Tues/Wed the 20/21 for my two finals in History and Child Psychology. Damn it got cold here fast. It snowed last night and I am remembering all too quickly how much I HATE New England winters. Why didn't I go to college in the south? Sux 4 me. Spring semester will be SO MUCH WORSE too.

Despite everything, I feel extremely loved by Alex--maybe even more than ever. He would really do anything for me.

The Aftermath Begins

Fri, 02 Dec 2005 04:11:14 GMT

Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am home again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am whole again

However far away, I will always love you
However long I stay, I will always love you
Whatever words I say, I will always love you
I will always love you

So that's how I feel.

SHOUT OUT to everyone that has been so great trying to comfort me today, but this is something that is going to take quite a while to sink in and even longer to move forward with.

And also, in case you missed it, we're not official yet so freaking hold your horses!!!! This is not really a "break up" because Alex will never be out of my life --it's only that we're not having an official future, we're having one that involves a close bond and lots of love. It's better to date other people since I'm his only serious relationship and he's my only true love. SO THERE!

MUCH LOVE TO: Anna, Diana, and Sarah ---you are irreplacable and I wish all 3 of you could be with me always ;)

HONORABLE MENTION: to everyone else who reads my livejournal and supports me when I'm extra low.

And for all of you haters out there, Alex told me today that he has read my livejournal from the beginning. He has meant more to me than any man, and we make this decision together with on great terms with no negativity. So despite the way some people felt about him, he has been wonderful to me and I hope he finds the greatest happiness in the world with the person he does decide to marry, and I hope to be there for him whenever he needs me.

They say the worst is yet to come, but I think it already came.

Thu, 01 Dec 2005 05:47:06 GMT

Alex and I have decided to call it quits on our 3.5+ year relationship. Yes folks, you heard right. Guess it's time to go ripping out all the pages in my high school yearbook of all my friends who wrote "invite me to your wedding w/ alex." I have to say that I know that it's the best choice for both of us--especially for him because of all the pressure he has been under. Hopefully not much will change between us, although I hate that it will inevitably do that.

The thing that I am most right now is scared. I am scared that I'll never find anyone else to fill the void that he filled so well, that I'll never love anyone else like I've loved him, that he will not be in my life anymore at all, that I will have no one to fall back on...etc etc etc. A lot of my friends are people I know through him--what am I supposed to do with them? Can we still show up at parties with friends? I really hope we can work it out really well. I know that the break-up sucked ass with my last bf. Alex said the same thing to me as he did - that he would never desert (sp?) me, that we would always be friends, that I could always count on him. I guess that I have to believe him because I want to so much, but from experience--that's not how it ends up. Maybe it will be different though because we're not parting on bad terms, persay. I really hope it never gets petty and argumentative. Have to remember to stay offline when I'm in drunken distress or panic.

I don't know when we will be officially known as "not dating" anymore, but it should be sometime in the near future. I'm dreading that day like my execution. I really hope (yes, I have a limited vocab) that he can be the person I fall back on for the rest of my life even if it is only as a very close friend.

He is, and always will be, my MR. BIG --- only he doesn't see some happy ending for us years down the road.
Here's hoping...

I think I need to find 3 amazing girlfriends who all love me and each other in order to ease the pain. Any takers?

Btw- anyone who's reading this needs to get my sex and the city jokes otherwise it's semi-pointless. I adore sex and the city...it is my life...and yes, Charlotte is my favorite.

Happy to be back with Sarah

Tue, 29 Nov 2005 01:17:39 GMT

Being back with Sarah is the only good thing about UMass. Thanksgiving break was such a tease and I absolutely did not want to come back to college. The one weird thing was that I slept really well in my bed up here which shows I'm more used to it than my bed at home--wtf?!! I still want to go back home. My room is so nice and cozy!

So I did accomplish a paper over break for Child Psych which was very good. Other than that, I had lots of down time with friends. I saw "Walk the Line" which really got me more into Johnny Cash music which I hadn't previously known much about. I also saw "Pride and Prejudice" which was very dissapointing--not as compelling as I had previously hoped.

So only 2.5 weeks of school left, then 5 days of nothing (studying) and then 2 finals (on Dec 20 and 21). I so don't want to do any work at all. I need to give it the end of the semester push and get really good grades- ha...one can always hope.

How do I feel right now? A bit stupid for leaving so late for college just so I could wait for Alex just to spend like 45 minutes at a diner with him at 2am. I did miss him while he was away, but he was like so out of it from not thinking for so many days in a row so it was semi-useless. I do love him though. The 20 minutes we spent making out in the bank parking lot was good. I get to see him this coming week so I'm happy about that, only it won't be for a long time at all b/c he has so much work to do. THIS SUCKS because I won't see him again until after school ends. ARG!

Sarah is yelling at me because I should be doing work and I'm not. She is being very productive as usual. She is like my voice of reason, but telling me to do things just makes me not want to do them more. Now I don't know what else to write. There are about a million thoughts going through my head right now, but I don't know which of them to write down. Things have just been really freaky lately and I don't know what to think about a lot of things.

Oh, the TURKEY was amazing! It was just what I wanted and I couldn't get enough!

The Struggle

Fri, 18 Nov 2005 02:22:02 GMT

Once again struggling with my relationship. I really don't know what to do. Am I making myself out to be an idiot by staying with a man who has already told me that I'm not the one he's meant to be with? I just can't shake off the way I feel when I'm with him. I feel like it can't possibly be true. (I know I've said this before, but bear with me) Maybe I'm just reading the signals wrong? Maybe he's just trying his hardest to be nice to me and not break my heart. That would be so tragic. I wish he would just break up with me if that was the case. And if he's still deciding about whether he wants to be with me, then he should tell me that. He probably thinks that he's been really clear about it already and that I should completely understand that we will not be together. I just don't see when the cut off will be. And in case anyone who reads this (which is probably no one anyway) is wondering how I can write so much about my boyfriend without him trying to respond to it later--I promise he will never ever read it. It wouldn't even cross his mind to click on a link in my profile. He doesn't even want to know what I'm thinking when I tell him out loud much less in a journal. He has much better things to do than that.

And no, I will never stop loving him. Even though it will be the most painful thing in my life when he finally decides I'm not worth it anymore and wants to be my friend, I will be there for him in whatever form he wants. That is my biggest weakness. I am hopelessly in love with him, and would bend over backwards to be the person that he wants to be with. Apparently I have failed at this..but then again I never felt like I deserved his full attention or love. I would pass out if he made any kind of grand gesture.

I do other things besides think about Alex though--not much, but some things. Yesterday I got inducted into Psi Chi, the national honor society for psychology. I think it's a really great opportunity, and hope that I actually get involved next semester....including general motivations for everything in life. I've got to sign up for classes this coming Monday. It's going to be a pretty difficult semester-starting some honors classes to do with my Commonwealth College requirements which is scary as hell. I want to be the hard worker that I know that I can be. This weekend is going to be extra productive (I can say that now because it's not the weekend yet). I plan to read a book and start my extra long history paper. YAY!

And yes, my mood is content. I do not know why, but it really does help me to not think about all the crappy stuff after I type it out. Maybe I'll feel bad again later. Now, Everwood is on. Yes, Everwood. I am a TV Junkie and I watch the WB. I am semi-embarassed about it. I still watch it. So THERE!

Chicken or Turkey?

Tue, 15 Nov 2005 22:15:26 GMT

This weekend was mad fun. I went to Alex early on Thursday, and skipped my Friday Russian class cause UMass had Veterans Day off and I wanted to take advantage of it. Highlight was the club we went to on Saturday night. Lots better than the one from before. Got a bit drunk before so was a-ok. We stopped by Larin's house beforehand. He just got a really good job offer. It's so weird to think that people I know will enter the "real world" of work soon. Demented me won't be there for a WHILE unfortunately. For the school psychologist I want to be, I have to go to freaking graduate school and get a phD which could take MORE than four years - ew. I wish I could just fast foward to the end and be where I want to be, but I guess it's the struggle that's important. The sucky thing is that I don't really 'like' school. I mean, classes are good, but I just don't have much motivation to go. I think that's maybe because I'm depressed and am always looking for a change but yet for everything to stay the same. I don't think that made sense. Hmmmmmm.

I want to be one of those people who gets up and lives every day to it's fullest. The kind of person who gets dressed up just because it's Monday and not because they're seeing their boyfriend like I do. I keep saying to myself that as soon as I lose weight and feel better about myself, my life will start and I will be that kind of person. This of course means that I'm wasting my life right now. I despise that thought because I am very scared of the fact that you only get one chance at things. I am 19 years old, and I should not be feeling like this. I should be having the time of my life. Not that I'm not when I'm with Alex, but it seems like we're in this messed up stage. Like if we were engaged everything would be better. Ha, I wish.

Is this accurate?

Wed, 09 Nov 2005 20:13:58 GMT

Advanced Global Personality Test Results

Extraversion	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	80%
Stability	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Orderliness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Accommodation	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Interdependence	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Intellectual	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Mystical	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Artistic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Religious	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	83%
Hedonism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Materialism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Narcissism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Adventurousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|	23%
Work ethic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Self absorbed	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Conflict seeking	\|\|	10%
Need to dominate	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%

Romantic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Avoidant	\|\|	10%
Anti-authority	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Wealth	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Dependency	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Change averse	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Cautiousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|	23%
Individuality	\|\|\|\|\|\|	23%
Sexuality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Peter pan complex	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Physical security	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	90%
Physical Fitness	\|\|	10%
Histrionic	\|\|\|\|\|\|	23%
Paranoia	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Vanity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Hypersensitivity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Female cliche	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Stability results were low which suggests you are very worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious.

Orderliness results were moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly organized, reliable, neat, and hard working at the expense of flexibility, efficiency, spontaneity, and fun.

Extraversion results were high which suggests you are overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense too often of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.

trait snapshot:
self revealing, neat, craves attention, prefers organized to unpredictable, needs things to be extremely clean, worrying, perfectionist, emotionally sensitive, respects authority, social, vain, does not like to be alone, likes large parties, controlling, social chameleon, not a thrill seeker, enjoys leadership, takes precautions, puts the needs of others ahead of their own, assertive, rule conscious, makes friends easily, always busy, heart over mind, phobic, aggressive, clingy, compassionate, dominant, outgoing, suspicious, hard working, strong

Monday's Suck

Tue, 08 Nov 2005 03:23:53 GMT

So today I'm having a crappy day-big surprise. For some reason, I am feeling depressed-yet again. I wish I could just be completely happy or at least okay for a while. This weekend I had to go home to Fair Lawn because my grandma needed my help to interview some perspective tenants - it was a useless endeavour and ended up making me more frustrated and confused as ever. Once again, I'm always messed up when I get back from home. Just when I start liking UMass again, I get this intense feeling of peace when I'm at home.

Today I am having a bad food day. This means that I have eaten too much. I can't seem to understand why I do this to myself. It's not like I'm hungry or really enjoy food that much to make me eat it so often. I just get this feeling of incredible uselessness and that no one likes me. It's an addiction, I know. Should I try going to a psychologist again to see if someone could help me out with it? Maybe. I'm not the best at keeping those appointments though. I have to start going to the gym again. Last semester when I did this, I felt a lot better about myself. And yet I can't get myself to go there. I would rather rot in my room and get fatter. This doesn't make sense. Why do things like this take so much to change? This is not the person that I was a couple of years ago.

I did try to have some fun while I was home. I hung out with Anna and her fiancee Mike. She has really gotten caught up with her whole life with him that I feel like she's forgotten about her own school life. I mean, I know that she's wanted ever since I met her. I just don't want her to end up giving up school. I also went to go see the movie "Prime" which I thought would be a light comedy that would just make me happy...but no. It ended up that the lovers in the movie went their separate ways--religion was an issue, but they just let the relationship go even though they deeply loved each other. Sound familiar? Got me thinking if that's the right thing to do with my relationship. It's always too painful to make that thought a reality though. I still can't believe how much I have invested in this relationship in the past 3.5 years. I really wish that marriage was an option for us. Or that Alex thought I was the one that he is meant to be with. I don't see how you could devote so much time and love to someone who you didn't think you were meant to be with----somehow I can't see it as being the absolute truth...

The highlight of the weekend was the time that I spent with my friend Diana. On Friday we watched some Sex and the City together and on Sunday we went to lunch together. There aren't many girls that I actually like, and I wish that I was closer in proximity to her where we could become better friends. I feel like now we're friends, but not the kind that call each other when we're upset or excited about something in life. She is a really great girl, and I would like to have a relationship with her like that--maybe sometime in the future.

So this coming Thursday I'm going to spend the weekend with Alex because I have Friday off for Veterans Day. We have plans to go to the gym during that time, and I hope that I get something accomplished there and possibly some much needed motivation. I know that we will have fun, no matter what. Still hopes for having Alex see me as the dream he was always hoping for and decide that he can't live without me--This hope will spring eternal. The way that he looks at me can't be wrong....can it?

Weekend Rundown

Mon, 31 Oct 2005 04:39:23 GMT

Every time I come back from a weekend with my boyfriend Alex, everything feels so right. The time that I spend with him always reaffirms my love for him, and makes it crystal clear that it wouldn't ever be right to be without him. Yet there is always the words in the back of my head, "He knows we're not meant to be together. He will break up with me. If you let yourself keep loving him like this, it will just hurt you more." I absolutely despise that thought. I wish that we could just be happy together and know that we wouldn't ever have to bear the pain of losing each other.

The time that we spend apart is different. The longer amount of time it is, the more I can convince myself that I don't need to be with him....and yet I still live my life from weekend to weekend. The only true joy that I have is when I get to share my experiences with him. Although missing him has lessened over time because of the amount of times we have had to say goodbye to each other, I just cannot see it being a reality that we will never say hello again. The way that I feel when he holds me in his arms...it's like we're one person, one heart--one that can never break apart. I wish that were the truth. There would be so much less tension at least on my part in my everyday life. I'm so up and down with my feelings about this relationship because I never know how to feel about it because he makes it seem like it will end sometime soon, but yet will not specify when. Sometimes I want to cry all the time, but that's not practical, now is it?!

So anyway, this weekend was very much fun. Friday we went shopping for most of the day looking for Halloween costumes, and didn't have much luck. I ended up getting a red outfit and being the devil, with a cape and horns. Alex was Zorro, with the black outfit, the cape, and the whip. I think that we both ended up looking really good, and the party on Saturday night was fun. The three weeks away from each other only made the time we spent together all the better.

The only thing that sucks is that I have to get up for an 8:00am class tomorrow morning. Speaking of which, I should be getting off to bed so I don't give myself an excuse not to go.

Great Song

Thu, 27 Oct 2005 17:35:09 GMT

Okay this song has really been on my mind for the past couple weeks, and I think it really captures how I am feeling at the moment. It's really hard to find a song like that because most are written about women and not about men, and then it's never completely applicable. So, enjoy!

Saliva - "Always"

I hear... a voice say don’t be so blind...
It’s telling me all these things...
That you would probably hide...
Am i... your one and only desire...
Am I the reason you breath...
Or am I the reason you cry...

Always... always... always... always... always... always... always...
I just can’t live without you...

I love you...
I hate you...
I can’t live without you...
I breathe you...
I taste you...
I can’t live without you...
I just can’t take anymore...
This life of solitude...
I guess that I’m out the door...
And now I’m done with you...

I feel... like you don’t want me around...
I guess I’ll pack all my things...
I guess I’ll see you around...
Inside... it bottles up until now...
As I walk out your door...
All I hear is the sound...

Always... always... always... always... always... always... always...
I just can’t live without you...

I love you...
I hate you...
I can’t live without you...

I left my head around your heart...
Why would you tear my world apart...

Always... always... always... always...

I see... the blood all over your hands...
Does it make you feel... more like a man...
Was it all... just a part of your plan...
This pistol’s shakin’ in my hands...
And all I hear is the sound...

Bad Day

Tue, 25 Oct 2005 21:29:55 GMT

Today I am having a bad day. It probably started by me having some fucked up dreams that I don't quite remember last night, and not setting my alarm in the morning. My roommate tried to wake me up, but I just wasn't having it this morning. I don't know whether I consciously make myself depressed or what. Maybe the fact that I contemplate it means that I'm not. Who knows. A lot of days I just feel like I'm drifting. Most of the time I have no clue what I want, and get really flaky with things. Classes for example. I want to do well, but yet I still end up convincing myself at the last minute that I don't need to go. Ahhhhh! This happens even though I know that I feel physically better for some odd reason after having a productive day.

So I just basically feel like crap. When somebody that I care about tells me something, I always take it really seriously whether they meant it like that or not. My roommate, Sarah, who I love to death--told me that she thinks that I sleep too much. This is true, I do love to sleep. I can never get enough of it. I hate that no matter how much I sleep or don't sleep I still spend my days yawning. There doesn't seem to be any happy medium. Maybe it's cause I'm not active enough.

I have always had this feeling of all or nothing. I think this is why I never really give 100% at things. Like when I falter and don't do everything that I want perfectly every single day, I sort of give up the idea. I wish I could just change permanently and not spend time in this limbo that I feel now. Arg! I don't want to spend my life thinking about the things that I want to achieve. I want to be happy the way that I am, and I'm just not right now. I am always striving for something different: to lose more weight, to study more, to be more productive, go to class more often, get great grades, etc etc etc. Then something like going home to NJ completely throws me off in a different direction.

I have so many issues at home that I have lost count. I do tend to make things more overwhelming than they should be. Once I get things done, they don't seem as huge. I wish that I didn't get overwhelmed so easily. I don't feel like I'm able to be this completely put together person who is the rock for the people around me like my mother was for everyone. Then again, saying that I'm incapable is something I've been doing my whole life--maybe I'm just not facing the person that I have the potential to be. This could be because I'm so freaking reliant on the views of the people around me. This especially includes my boyfriend of 3.5 years who I feel thinks I will fail at life without him. This could be true/false, but I will never really know because he just doesn't open up to me. I bet it's because I make him feel uncomfortable or something. There I go again, assuming that one of my million thoughts actually hit the nail on the head. With Alex, I will probably never know what's really going on.

First Entry

Mon, 24 Oct 2005 00:26:48 GMT

I don't know what has possessed me to start this journal. I have never really used a diary effectively--usually end up using it for about 3 days and then giving up. I guess this may work better for me because of my good typing skills and the excessive amount of time that I spend on my computer. Maybe this will keep me from watching way too much tv, not that staring at a computer screen is a better idea.

I also think that this journal might help me out because of the large amount of time that I spend thinking about things, my extreme lack of memory, and that I'm sure that my friends don't want to be listening to my crap as much as they do. Why then, you may ask, am I writing in a public journal that people can read? This is the same question that I asked myself when I was interested in why online journals have become so popular.

It seems a bit cocky to think that there are actually people who would be so interested in you that they would go out of their way read all of your personal thoughts. This of course does not mean that I won't be posting the link to this page on my AIM profile and trying to figure out if there is a way to see who decides they are so incredibly bored to click on the link.

I don't know why I'm feeling so nervous at the moment. My whole body is tense, and there is really no reason to be. I have no tests this week, all alone in the room so no judgements--who knows. I hate that I get like this! Then I start to bite the skin around my nails off and lick my lips as nervous habits. The biting of the nails is a gross habit that I've had since third grade, but have progressively stopped the nail biting and moved on to the skin around the nail biting. The licking of the lips is also bad because then it makes them incredibly chapped which is the reasoning for my obsession with chapstick. By the way, I just realized that that's another one of those products that we're integrated into thinking it's not really a brand name---like Xerox!

I have so much work that I could be doing right now, but I am a complete procrastinator--something that I absolutely despise about myself. I could get so much more accomplished if I didn't ever have to be in the mood, or have to get comfortable, etc.

I guess that everyone who reads this journal should know something about me, but I guess I will introduce myself anyways just to take up some space. My name is Ellen. It sounds so weird when I say my name out loud when introducing myself to people--I always feel as if I pronounce it weird or something. This is why I used to say "Hi, My name is Ellen, like the lesbian Ellen DeGeneres." I have stopped doing that just because I think that it makes me seem even more weird than I already am.

NEXT! I'm 19 years old, will be 20 on March 30th, 2006. Fuck, that seems so old to me. Two Decades. I remember my 10th birthday, and having a decade seem like such a long time to be alive then. This seems odd because I have wanted to be 21 for as long as I remember, but I never really saw myself as being this old. This isn't good due to the fact that I will only get older. ahhhh!

NEXT! I'm in my second year at the University of Massachusetts Amherst majoring in psychology. I am going to apply to double major in marketing in December.

Okay, I'm done. More Later.